It’s been a minute since I’ve had the inclination to write anything. That probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven’t really slept in several days creating the perfect storm of suck for me both mentally and physically. Not sleeping is in some ways akin to torture. I wonder when my body is just gonna give up and give in and allow me to sleep instead of feeling this crazy wired feeling that I feel right now.
Sometimes I get frustrated because this is usually when somebody tells me how strong I am and that is something that I really don’t wanna hear right now. I’m fighting a mental struggle where I have to tell my body to ignore signals it’s getting that something terrible is gonna happen because I haven’t slept.
Instead of feeling tired I feel wired. Like all of my senses are on high alert. Like I can’t stop focusing on all of the input that I’m getting visually, audibly and physically. It’s a bit overwhelming and I can’t control it. I tell myself I’m fighting a mental battle with my body where I’m trying to take the signals that it’s getting and reroute them into more productive ways of thinking. Instead, my body is overwhelmed and I feel like one giant exposed nerve.
Not sleeping creates a perfect storm where I’m physically crushed but mentally I can’t slow down. My brain is on high alert telling my body to be prepared although I’m not sure what I’m preparing for.
Pain levels are off the charts. I’m not sure if I should take medication or wait it out. Again it’s a mental battle with my body and the signals that it’s getting fight or flight that’s what I’m hearing over and over again. But there’s nowhere for me to fly to.
Abrupt changes of medication cause some of these problems but I’m not sure what medications are the culprit. I recently stopped taking Celebrex rather abruptly and started taking tramadol instead. I’m not sure if this has something to do with the fact that I haven’t been able to sleep or go to the bathroom properly. But it all causes me a lot of stress.
Now my doctor wants me to do an in person visit to discuss medication changes because apparently the medication changes require paperwork to be filled out and signed because some of the drugs I take or considered narcotics. In person is a visits are almost impossible for me to accomplish especially not Monday morning at 8 AM which is what they offered me. Taking access transportation for the disabled is my only option. If it’s up to me I prefer not leaving my house doing video visits but in this case I would be forced to leave the house just show up in person. The stress is off the charts at the mere of the idea of doing this. Not even for new medication. Which could help.
I keep thinking my body is just gonna give up the ghost and give in and fall asleep or at least try to relax instead I move in strange ways I try to keep my hands and arms moving even though it’s not my hands and arms that are the culprit.
It’s mostly my neck and my shoulders causing me all the pain. Not to mention the pain in my butt from sitting constantly. But that’s not an option for changing because sitting is what I do because I’m disabled. That’s another thing that just requires me to practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the only option which is a mental battle that’s exhausting to fight.
I think that’s where the focus on my strength comes from. Because radical acceptance being a mental battle takes a lot of energy. Even though it’s not a physical battle the mental battle is difficult enough.
I focus on trying to calm my brain and ignore the signals that it’s getting that something is terribly wrong which is almost impossible for me to do but it’s the only option. You would think this would make me tired. And I’m probably overtired which is probably why I feel like a giant exposed nerve. So that’s why I find myself. I keep thinking that if I don’t sleep tonight something terrible is gonna happen like some kind of medical intervention may be required that will require me to leave the house which is the last thing I wanna do. These are the dilemmas that I find in my life because MS.
Source: bethybrightanddark.com