As a fiercely independent person it kills me that I have to rely on caregivers for my most basic needs but it’s a reality I’ve had to learn to accept. Without these folks, I can’t function. My reality is that I require 24/7 care. My current caregiver lineup is tough.
One of my longest shifts is being covered by a boy who suffered a gun shot wound to his skull. This causes him to move extremely slow – like so slow it’s like he’s barely moving. Today I had a caregiver not show up which meant I was stuck in my bed recliner until well past noon – definitely not ideal. This meant the skull injury dude had to be my main caregiver for today. We’ll call him B. He tries really hard which just means I end up feeling guilty for my persistent impatience.
Finding reliable help is an enormous challenge. The right combination of appropriate care skills and reliable transportation is like searching for a needle in the proverbial haystack. This means I am forced to stick it out with caregiver B even though it’s a terrible fit.
Being left alone in my bed chair is a real challenge. I feel like a turtle stuck on its back. Not able to adjust my positioning or move very well. This leads to various parts of my body going numb and aching to the point where I just want to scream but no sound comes from my mouth and I find myself in this weird in between place where I start to question reality. As a woman with strong intellectual capabilities this situation feels untenable and I feel like I could jump out of my skin. No amount of positive self-talk helps me get my brain out of the dark place. Bethy Dark comes out to play. She’s an unwelcome visitor but I am helpless to send her away. I suppose she led me to my computer to write? Maybe that’s the silver lining. I honestly don’t know.
This current caregiver challenge shows no end in sight. Patience! Not my strong suit especially when I’m not sleeping so well which is also happening right now without any change in medication. I suppose stress and chronic pain from being stuck in one position for long periods of time has a negative impact on sleep.
Stress from money challenges adds to the mix of the perfect storm of ick that has descended on my life at the current moment. Social security doesn’t come for another week and I’m riding on negative money until then. Add it all up and it’s an excellent recipe for bringing out Bethy Dark. I hope she doesn’t stick around for too long.
Source: bethybrightanddark.com