The slightly worn and curled piece of paper asks, “How is what you’re doing going to get you closer to where you want to go?”
Dan taped this makeshift sign to the wall of our dining room a few days before his hernia surgery on January 22. He intended to motivate us for his recovery as well as for the goals we set for the New Year.
The paper isn’t fancy, but the question is important. And real. It says so much…asks so much. So much so that Dan also taped up a similar sign in our bathroom.
Yes, the signs were meant to guide us through his surgery and recovery, but I’ve found myself using them to pursue a personal goal that affects Dan and me.
Dan knows I have always wanted to lose weight. That has been my forever wish since we met in 2002.
I have always wanted to be smaller. To weigh less. For both of our sakes. He is my primary caregiver, and I am the person whose 51-year-old body is worn down from carrying an extra 50 pounds. My knees, especially, are fed up.
They ache and throb with pain when I lock them, as is necessary when I stand to transfer, and now there is sometimes discomfort even while lying in bed. I do not remember ever being conscious of my knees, but I often think about them throughout the day. Losing weight certainly would help lighten their load.
So once again, I see the wall and ask, “How is what I am doing going to get me where I want to go?”
Because the truth is, I do want to lose weight. Not because of a number on a scale or an image in a mirror, but because I want relief. I want to make this body easier to live in. I want to make things easier on Dan, whose role as my caregiver—something we’ve talked openly about in our MS caregiving experiences—is already so much to carry.
I want more time—good time—with the person I love.
And yet, living with Multiple Sclerosis means nothing is ever quite that simple.
My body doesn’t always cooperate. What feels possible one day can feel out of reach the next. Progress doesn’t come in straight lines, and effort doesn’t always lead to the outcome I expect.
Some days, rest is the only right choice.
Anyone reading this can probably understand what I mean. You know how you feel so good while you are being active, like exercising or cleaning the house, that you go ahead and overdo it, and you pay for it the next day? One good day of activity can lead to two needed days of rest.
So I look at that question on the wall differently.
Not as a command, but as a conversation.
How is what I’m doing helping me move forward, not just toward a smaller body but toward a more sustainable life? Toward less strain on my knees, yes, but also less pressure on my spirit?
Because living with MS changes what progress looks like.
Maybe progress is:
• Listening to my body instead of pushing through
• Letting go of timelines that don’t fit this reality
• Choosing consistency where I can, and grace where I can’t
Because maybe “where I want to go” is about more than losing weight.
Perhaps it’s about caring for this body—this unpredictable, sometimes frustrating, still very much mine body—in a way that gives both Dan and me a little more ease. A little more energy. A little more life inside the life we already have.
The paper is still on the wall, but the question feels different now. Less like pressure and more like permission. And maybe this is what getting closer actually looks like now.
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Source: acoupletakesonms.com